I Don't Want To Be

I've always been that guy in the back. The one who is always there, but not always noticed. The good friend, but not an option to date. The safe guy, the one who's easy going and up for anything.

I'm starting to hate being that guy.

I feel like I'm always looked at as second rate. I'm not a stand out at any one thing, which I'm ok with, but its so frustrating for things to seemingly never work out for me. I sit and watch people treat their signficant others like trash and still somehow go from relationship to relationship when I can barely find someone who expresses interest in me. I see friends who are forgetful and not as reliable or caring as me get treated better than I do as soon as people show up. Its like because I'm carefree and easy going that I get forgotten.

I'd always loved this role until recently. I don't need attention, I don't even crave credit for things I do, but its starting to bother me when people take my ideas or my job and think I can't do it and have to help me out. I'm not stupid. I can do things for myself. I'm tired of being treated like I need to be given a helping hand. There are things I'm good at, better than others even, but I feel like they don't see it that way. If I can do it then obviously they can do it too. I feel like the Geico caveman. Its so easy Matt can do it.

I recently looked into something that would be perfect for me. A chance to get some hands on computer training and after that a chance at a great job, but because of my poor decisions with school and years of screwing up, I can't afford to go after it. Just another thing that seems to be adding to the things that I can't do or that don't work out for me.

These two ideas loosely connect in my mind. Things not seeming to go my way and being treated like a side kick. I know my talents. I'm a confident person, but it always seems that I'm not good enough. I'm far from perfect, but this has always driven me crazy.

I do all the right things but friends forget about me, girls date guys that treat them terribly, and opportunities that I'd do good in are just out of my reach.

I love the person I am and who I am becoming, but its hard to stay positive and upbeat when it seems that its all going unseen. Its good to know that you matter and that people care. I do get that, don't take this too far. I'm not depressed, just have really felt like this has been prevelant the last few days. I just want to be that person that someone knows they can always count on. The first person they call when something good happens, or when something bad happens.

Is it selfish to feel this way, or is it fair to wonder about this? I have a good life, but in part its because I've made it that way. I've dealt with more problems and hardships than most people I know and i'm only 23. I've grown from this, yes, but I feel like its my time. Time for something to go my way. Someone to give me a chance and see what I'm capable of, to give me control and take a step back so they can see that I can do it on my own, that I don't need help all the time.

I don't like confrontation, so I'll just sit back and take it. I'll let someone else take credit for things I do or say because I don't need the credit, but once, just once would it be great for someone to really see what I can do and not have to critique everything or think they can do it better.

I hate feeling like I have to prove myself. I feel like I need to start standing up for myself and being confident in everything.

Its far more than a dating relationship, but thats an easy example to use. One person to just give me that chance. It means a lot to have friends say that I'd be a good catch, but its hard to keep hearing that and then for nobody to ever give me that shot.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have no idea who will read this even, I just needed to get some of this off my chest and this was the best way I could do it.

Again, I don't want pity. I'm a big boy and can get through anything, just having a tough time with some things and needed to blow off some steam. Don't read too far into this. I'm doing great, I'm very happy, I just feel like things could be better and want more.

Just A Little Talk With Jesus

I realized something this last week that I've been hiding for a long time. I don't believe in prayer like I want to.

I know that might seem crazy to some of you, but its the honest truth. I know why I think this and where it stems from, but what I can't figure out is how to change that. It all started with my dad. I've never known of something that more people prayed for than for his healing. Church after church had him in their prayer list. Friends and family continually prayed for him to overcome his disease and be with us. That wasn't what God had in mind. I know that there has been a lot of good that has come from this, but I want to know that what I bring to God is important. Its hard for me to sit and ask him to do anything because the thing I wanted most wasn't given to me.

I really do believe that prayer can have an impact. I believe that asking God for things that I want and need is important, but its such a struggle to think that it matters. I hate feeling bitter when I hear that someone who was sick was prayed for and healed. I should rejoice that God worked in that situation and healed them, but all I think about is why them and not me. I hate that this is such a difficult thing for me, but I don't know how to change it. I trust God to do the right thing, I just struggle to think that my opinion has any relevance to his plan. I think that if his plan is better than mine then i have no need to ask him to change anything.

I know good things came from my dad's battle and eventual loss with cancer, but when it comes to something like searching for direction I think prayer can help that. I want to be at the point where I can honestly tell someone: "I"ll pray for you." If I said that right now I'd be lying. I want to change this. I want to be able to talk to God and know that he cares about what I have to say. This will be a long process I'm sure, I just hope I can figure it out before I miss on something important.

Who's Your Daddy?

I just watched a report on Outside the Lines on ESPN about professional athletes having children out of wedlock. The majority of the story was them talking with former NFL running back Travis Henry. Henry has 9 children with 9 different women. His child support payments have reached $17,000 per month for his kids. I will give some respect for Henry in one sense. They mentioned other athletes like Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Oscar De La Hoya, Jason Caffey, and Dwight Howard. All of those athletes have had at least once child out of wedlock, but would not participate in this report. I give Travis Henry credit for that. He stepped up and talked about the mistakes he's made.

Now why is this something I'm now writing a blog about? Just last week I was immersed in the culture of Detroit. One thing Henry said was that this is a system, and that is a big idea I've heard in Detroit, that people can't get out of the system. They don't have statistics for just athletes, but in the US today, 40% of children are born out of wedlock. Broken down by race that number is even scarier. In blacks, 71% of children, Hispanics are 40%, and whites are at 27%. I don't throw in the race thing to say that white people are doing a better job, I include that to show that poverty is a big factor. We don't like to admit it because it makes us sound racist, but the majority of the impoverished in the US are blacks. Its not the color of their skin that makes them do this, its just the system that they are stuck in.

This story really struck me. For years I've heard of kids looking up to athletes and them being their heroes. I hope that isn't true anymore. Athletes, in most cases, there are good people in sports still, athletes care only about themselves. Sure they'll donate money, but they spend so much more of that money on things they want. They take advantage of their popularity to "score" as many women as they can. I hope that kids in our society can start to look at men and women that work hard as their role models. People we see in media can influence how they look to us, but people in our everyday lives can't hide their true selves.

I don't think I'm the perfect role model, but I hope that someday a kid can look at my life and think that I'm doing things the right way.