Matt Brown

I Don't Want To Be

2009-10-23T23:50:00.002-04:00

I've always been that guy in the back. The one who is always there, but not always noticed. The good friend, but not an option to date. The safe guy, the one who's easy going and up for anything.

I'm starting to hate being that guy.

I feel like I'm always looked at as second rate. I'm not a stand out at any one thing, which I'm ok with, but its so frustrating for things to seemingly never work out for me. I sit and watch people treat their signficant others like trash and still somehow go from relationship to relationship when I can barely find someone who expresses interest in me. I see friends who are forgetful and not as reliable or caring as me get treated better than I do as soon as people show up. Its like because I'm carefree and easy going that I get forgotten.

I'd always loved this role until recently. I don't need attention, I don't even crave credit for things I do, but its starting to bother me when people take my ideas or my job and think I can't do it and have to help me out. I'm not stupid. I can do things for myself. I'm tired of being treated like I need to be given a helping hand. There are things I'm good at, better than others even, but I feel like they don't see it that way. If I can do it then obviously they can do it too. I feel like the Geico caveman. Its so easy Matt can do it.

I recently looked into something that would be perfect for me. A chance to get some hands on computer training and after that a chance at a great job, but because of my poor decisions with school and years of screwing up, I can't afford to go after it. Just another thing that seems to be adding to the things that I can't do or that don't work out for me.

These two ideas loosely connect in my mind. Things not seeming to go my way and being treated like a side kick. I know my talents. I'm a confident person, but it always seems that I'm not good enough. I'm far from perfect, but this has always driven me crazy.

I do all the right things but friends forget about me, girls date guys that treat them terribly, and opportunities that I'd do good in are just out of my reach.

I love the person I am and who I am becoming, but its hard to stay positive and upbeat when it seems that its all going unseen. Its good to know that you matter and that people care. I do get that, don't take this too far. I'm not depressed, just have really felt like this has been prevelant the last few days. I just want to be that person that someone knows they can always count on. The first person they call when something good happens, or when something bad happens.

Is it selfish to feel this way, or is it fair to wonder about this? I have a good life, but in part its because I've made it that way. I've dealt with more problems and hardships than most people I know and i'm only 23. I've grown from this, yes, but I feel like its my time. Time for something to go my way. Someone to give me a chance and see what I'm capable of, to give me control and take a step back so they can see that I can do it on my own, that I don't need help all the time.

I don't like confrontation, so I'll just sit back and take it. I'll let someone else take credit for things I do or say because I don't need the credit, but once, just once would it be great for someone to really see what I can do and not have to critique everything or think they can do it better.

I hate feeling like I have to prove myself. I feel like I need to start standing up for myself and being confident in everything.

Its far more than a dating relationship, but thats an easy example to use. One person to just give me that chance. It means a lot to have friends say that I'd be a good catch, but its hard to keep hearing that and then for nobody to ever give me that shot.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have no idea who will read this even, I just needed to get some of this off my chest and this was the best way I could do it.

Again, I don't want pity. I'm a big boy and can get through anything, just having a tough time with some things and needed to blow off some steam. Don't read too far into this. I'm doing great, I'm very happy, I just feel like things could be better and want more.

Just A Little Talk With Jesus

2009-04-08T15:32:00.001-04:00

I realized something this last week that I've been hiding for a long time. I don't believe in prayer like I want to.

I know that might seem crazy to some of you, but its the honest truth. I know why I think this and where it stems from, but what I can't figure out is how to change that. It all started with my dad. I've never known of something that more people prayed for than for his healing. Church after church had him in their prayer list. Friends and family continually prayed for him to overcome his disease and be with us. That wasn't what God had in mind. I know that there has been a lot of good that has come from this, but I want to know that what I bring to God is important. Its hard for me to sit and ask him to do anything because the thing I wanted most wasn't given to me.

I really do believe that prayer can have an impact. I believe that asking God for things that I want and need is important, but its such a struggle to think that it matters. I hate feeling bitter when I hear that someone who was sick was prayed for and healed. I should rejoice that God worked in that situation and healed them, but all I think about is why them and not me. I hate that this is such a difficult thing for me, but I don't know how to change it. I trust God to do the right thing, I just struggle to think that my opinion has any relevance to his plan. I think that if his plan is better than mine then i have no need to ask him to change anything.

I know good things came from my dad's battle and eventual loss with cancer, but when it comes to something like searching for direction I think prayer can help that. I want to be at the point where I can honestly tell someone: "I"ll pray for you." If I said that right now I'd be lying. I want to change this. I want to be able to talk to God and know that he cares about what I have to say. This will be a long process I'm sure, I just hope I can figure it out before I miss on something important.

Who's Your Daddy?

2009-03-17T15:16:00.003-04:00

I just watched a report on Outside the Lines on ESPN about professional athletes having children out of wedlock. The majority of the story was them talking with former NFL running back Travis Henry. Henry has 9 children with 9 different women. His child support payments have reached $17,000 per month for his kids. I will give some respect for Henry in one sense. They mentioned other athletes like Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Oscar De La Hoya, Jason Caffey, and Dwight Howard. All of those athletes have had at least once child out of wedlock, but would not participate in this report. I give Travis Henry credit for that. He stepped up and talked about the mistakes he's made.

Now why is this something I'm now writing a blog about? Just last week I was immersed in the culture of Detroit. One thing Henry said was that this is a system, and that is a big idea I've heard in Detroit, that people can't get out of the system. They don't have statistics for just athletes, but in the US today, 40% of children are born out of wedlock. Broken down by race that number is even scarier. In blacks, 71% of children, Hispanics are 40%, and whites are at 27%. I don't throw in the race thing to say that white people are doing a better job, I include that to show that poverty is a big factor. We don't like to admit it because it makes us sound racist, but the majority of the impoverished in the US are blacks. Its not the color of their skin that makes them do this, its just the system that they are stuck in.

This story really struck me. For years I've heard of kids looking up to athletes and them being their heroes. I hope that isn't true anymore. Athletes, in most cases, there are good people in sports still, athletes care only about themselves. Sure they'll donate money, but they spend so much more of that money on things they want. They take advantage of their popularity to "score" as many women as they can. I hope that kids in our society can start to look at men and women that work hard as their role models. People we see in media can influence how they look to us, but people in our everyday lives can't hide their true selves.

I don't think I'm the perfect role model, but I hope that someday a kid can look at my life and think that I'm doing things the right way.

Ten Years Later

2009-02-04T14:41:00.006-05:00

February 3rd marked the ten year anniversary of my fathers death. I wanted to do something special to remember him, and the only thing I could really think of was to speak in chapel at Rochester College and share my story with everyone. I know a few people that weren't able to be there and I was able to get a video of my talk. I just wanted to put this on here for them and anyone else who wants to take the time to see it.

Time Brings Change

2009-01-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

Haven't been on here in quite a while, but I actually have something worth putting here.

Since graduating high school I've been a student at Rochester College. It has been a great experience and I wouldn't change anything I learned or experienced. I wish it could have been a little cheaper, but its a little late for that. The reason I'm saying all of this is that I will no longer be attending Rochester College. There are a couple reasons that this is an easy choice, but also many that make it a very tough choice. The things that make it easy are the financial aspects. I'm going to (hopefully) be attending Oakland Community College this semester and working towards an IT Certification. The reason I'm doing that is partly because I'll be spending 1/8 the amount per credit hour that I was spending at RC. Another reason is the small issues I've had with the organization of the college. I haven't had the most trouble with things, but there have been enough little things that have been overlooked or noticed too late that I've just gotten frustrated with things. Those are really the only reasons I have for leaving. The reasons that this is such a hard decision starts and ends with the people I've met. People have come and gone in my life, but most have stayed in some way. The hardest thing to leave is Theta Chi. Those guys have been everything to my college experience. I worked really hard to make everything we did successful and that reached its high last year with us winning club of the year. I know that those guys will support me and still be around, which made the decision easier.

I'm going to be around the area still. I know thats something I've been asked by the few people that know about my decision. I'm still living in my apartment and I hope to still be involved in things going on. I might not be on campus much but that doesn't mean I don't want to be included. I'm hoping to jump right into these new classes at OCC and I think I'll be successful and do really well in them. I finally have found a real direction for myself and know exactly what I want to do with my life. Its hard to change something thats been so good to me, but sometimes you have to let something go and something else will come in and take its place. I'll miss the faculty and students alike, but I know that if I don't do this now I'll regret it. Rochester College has been great to me and I can only hope that OCC is even half as good to me as RC was. Its been a great couple years and it was well worth it.

Theta Chi- Keep strong and be sure to get things done. We've lost some key aspects of our club the last couple years, so its time for some new guys to step in and take charge. Know that any of us old guys are more than willing to help you figure out what to do. Do well and remember what our club stands for.

Psalm 133;1
1 Peter 2:17

Not much to say

2008-05-15T02:28:00.003-04:00

So much for sticking with this as well as I wanted. Since the semester has ended and even the end of the semester has been pretty eventless. A few exciting things happened school wise though. Theta Chi, the club I've been a part of for four years won Club of the Year for the first time. I was very excited about that. I had told our guys at the beginning of the year that it was my goal for us as our activities director. Our club hands out awards based on our 5 core values every year as well. The members vote on the other guys and we present the winners at our end of the year banquet. We have awards for, Reverence, Service, Excellence, Trust and Unity. This year as well as last year, I was selected for the Service award. With a club full of so many quality guys I felt very privileged to win that award again. The most surprising thing at the end of the year was at the Emmy's. There are intramural awards handed out every year and they were announced at the end of the night. In a huge shock to me I was announced as the Intramural Athlete of the year.

I have moved into a house with a few friends for the summer and am looking for my summer job still. No promises, but I'll try and make my next post a little more interesting, but wanted to say something.

One More Day

2008-04-03T01:41:00.005-04:00

So I took a new step in life a few weeks ago. I started meeting with Josh Graves for some counseling. I've heard that everyone can benefit from this experience, so I figured it wouldn't hurt. He gave me something to do that I was excited and nervous to do, but I've written it and would like to share it with whoever takes the time to read this. The "assignment" was to write a letter to my father, who for those who don't know passed away 9 years ago. So, here it is.

Dad,

Wow, it’s been a long time, so long I don’t even really know where to start. I know this wasn’t what you had in mind back when you were my age. I’m sure you dreamt of growing older and watching your kids grow up and helping them through the adventures of life. Crazy how things can change so quickly and how our dreams can be forced to be altered so fast. Well, I guess the first thing to say is that I hate how I left last time I saw you. I walked out to head to Gilda’s Club and walked through the room and said bye like I’d come home to you being in the same place. How wrong was I. Thanks to you and my sarcasm the news that you were gone was given to me in a different way than I’m sure grandpa indented. It sucks knowing that I never got to tell you how much you meant to me and how even through the difficult times that I looked up to you and knew that you would do anything you could for me. As much as I hate to say it, I can see why this has happened and that in a weird and twisted way it’s turned out as a blessing. So many things have changed since you’ve been gone. Not to be insulting in anyway, but I feel like I may have had different priorities in my life if you’d been there. As much as I enjoyed sports in high school it wasn’t a big focus for me. Not that it’d have been bad, but I wonder if I had focused more on them and gotten better if my academic decisions and where I ended up would have changed.
To give you an idea of what I’ve been up to the last 9 years is also a tough thing. High school was weird. I felt out of place and alone through most of the 4 years I was there. Track was wonderful, cross-country sucked and football was everything and more than I expected. The one moment I truly wished you could have been around for was my first and only career touchdown senior year. I made the heads up play to dive on a loose ball in the end zone for the touchdown. That was one of the most exciting moments I’ve experienced. Not much else from high school worth mentioning, but college has been great. I went to Rochester and lived with Steve my first semester. Since being here I’ve made a lot of poor decisions as far as academia goes, but I’ve met and become close with some amazing people and learned so much about myself and am continuing to do that. If there is one thing I regret it would be my grades. I can’t forget to bring up the place where I remember you the most, Judson. I have still been at camp every year and one of my proudest moments was winning boy camper of the year my last year as a camper.
I feel like I’ve let mom down by not doing as well as I know I can. There are times where I wish I knew if I was doing what you’d want of me. I’ve made some mistakes and haven’t succeeded in everything the way I wanted to, but I know that regardless mom is still there and you would be too. I hope more than anything that I can make my life something that people would be able to see how you affected me while you were around. I know that as long as I’m doing what I want that you’d approve. I wish so badly that you could meet my friends. Guys like Riley and Hickey would think you were great and see why I’m the way I am. I know that no matter what happens you’ll be proud to be my father and that there will always be a part of you that lives within me that impacts me so much. So since I didn’t get to say it before your time was up, you were everything a kid could ask for in a father. I love you so much and I’ve missed you ever since you left. I wish you were still here, but I know that can’t happen. Thank you for everything you were able to teach me in the short time we had together. I can’t wait till the day we are reunited in heaven.

Love,

Matt

Celebration

2008-04-01T00:23:00.003-04:00

One of the most stressful times on campus is the weeks leading up to Celebration. This year was one of the best its ever been on a stress level, but there were some rough moments. I was in our club act and two ensemble dances. The club act went very well. Unlike freshman year we didn't have any fighting about what we were doing or conflicts with ideas, so that was refreshing. The dances were fun, but there were times during my 3 hour long practices that I just wanted to stop. Having to go practice while all my friends were heading out for movies and I had to go and dance for hours on end. I stayed with it all and am glad I did. The show went great in all aspects. Our club act was about Cavemen, and to try and explain it wouldn't do it justice. We won all 4 awards this year, which we also did my freshman year, so we were thrilled and excited about that. It was a fun process and now my life should free up a little, although I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming weeks, so the stress won't be gone, but it'll be different. Thats another post on its own, so that'll come another time.

Dance Dance

2008-03-20T14:44:00.003-04:00

I love sports. Basketball is at the top of that list, so when March Madness comes around I get very excited. At no other time in the year can I be so nervous and uncertain. Watching teams I picked to pull an upset in a tight game, wondering if I should have picked the favorite just irks me. Having said all that, I filled out a bracket yet again. In a slight stretch to some, I have:

North Carolina over Pitt in the final.

Lets see how I do.

God of This City

2008-03-10T01:02:00.002-04:00

I spent this last week on spring break. Rather than do the "smart" thing and go someplace warm or take some good time off to sleep and relax, I chose to head down with a group of fellow college students to Detroit on a little mission trip. We stayed at the Hope Baptist Center in the middle of Cass Park, one of inner city Detroit's worst areas. We left the college on Saturday, took a driving tour of the city to become more familiar with our surroundings. We stopped at the Heidleberg Project, which was one of my favorite stops. This area is a place local artist have taken and made their own. They have very abstract ideas and have used houses and other materials that they've found in the city.

Sunday we attended Hope Community Church where two of the leaders of our trip attend. After that we had a quick lunch and headed over to Cass Park to join the group from the Rochester Church of Christ. After a bit, a small number of our group came back up to the Rochester area to attend the launch of Christ Church Macomb. We brought two of our homeless friends with us, Allyiah and Frank. Frank decided to use the public bathroom as his own personal shower while we were having church. From there we went out for out ethnic dinner, which for us was a nice Thai resteruant.

Monday we went to COTS and helped serve and make lunch. Then that night we went to Oasis and served dinner. While at Oasis I sat and talked to a man, can't remember his name of course, that had just gotten out of prison after three years. He was in a program at Oasis for others like himself, and he was taking classes at a local school. We talked about his journey and his thoughts on city life and how things could be changed. It was a very eye opening conversation that I was very thankful to have been able to have.

Tuesday we headed back out to Hope Community Church and walked the streets passing out flyers for our plans for the rest of the week to let the area know and to invite them. Then we came back and helped the church with their tutoring program for a few hours. About a block from Hope is Faith Church, who hosts a basketball night for teens every Friday night. So we had our own night like that on Tuesday. We started at about 7, and easily had 30 teens come out to play. We ran some games, took a little snack and devotional break and then had a few more games.

Wednesday was a bit of a lighter day. We split into groups for the afternoon. My group went and helped clean up a family's basement while the other groups were off doing simillar things. That night we went to Word of Faith church. This was my first experience in an all African American church. It was such an amazing experience though. They had the visitors stand, and we were the only ones, then sang us a song that they sing to all visitors. The service lasted about 2 hours and was incredible. After church we went out for some desert and sat around and talked for a bit.

Thursday was our earliest morning. We went to Open Door and helped serve breakfast, make hygeine packets and sort clothes. Open Door is a once a week meal and everything else place for those in the city. They offer haircuts, clean clothes and some hygiene products. We were provided lunch afterwords and then had a little bit of time to hang out at the Baptist Center. From there we went back to Hope Church and helped with their tutoring again. Then we stayed at the church for their teen group that night. We sat and had some pizza, talked and listen to a message.

Friday was our biggest and busiest day. We went out to CDC, Central Detroit Christian, and helped out there. Part of our group helped with mailing and letters while the rest of us went to a run down house that was purchased for just $1000. They have had volunteer groups helping with every aspect of tearing down and starting to rebuild the house. We came in and helped put in some insulation for a few hours. For lunch there is a resturant across from CDC that they run and use to provide jobs for local teens. The Tasty Freeze provided us with some good food, and we provided the center some buisiness. The end of the night and trip was a free dinner we hosted back at Hope Church. We fed around 200 people that night. After dinner we hosted a concert in the church. We had some slam poetry, accapella singing, and some instrumental worhsip. It was a great way to wrap up what had been an amazing and inspiring week for all of us.

I was introduced to the song "God of This City" at Passion: Chicago this past fall. The song is also on passion's newest live CD, titled the same. We sang this at the end of the concert and personally served as my theme song throughout the week.

The week was very crazy. We helped a lot of different people, yet I know there are many others that we were unable to be there for. What stands out to me the most was a place we visited on Saturday. Down near the river, off Woodward, the busiest street in Detroit, is a place called Hart Plaza. It is a very nice area, but what touched me was something less obvious. As you walk around, you notice some tunnels that lead slightly underground. We went down, turned a corner to see about 8 homeless men and women huddled in a very small area, trying to stay warm. Having been in Detroit a few times, I had been to Hart Plaza, but had no idea that this was there. I was told that on some nights there are 80-100 homeless there trying to find a place to sleep for the night. It touched me because I've seen my group leave Cass Park as another shows up, and I've arrived as another group was leaving. We saw nobody helping these people. Cass Park is a great thing and in no way am I saying what we do is bad, but I feel like there are so many other ways we could help. Those people have been imbedded in my mind for a week now, and I want so badly to find a way to help them out.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

2008-02-21T00:55:00.002-05:00

One of the biggest things that has been on my mind recently is the idea of love. I don't really know my audience with this being my first real entry on a very new blog, but for any of you that are associated with the college you probably know what i'm talking about. For the last few months I have been in one of the most fulfilling relationships i've been in. For the record, I am technically still single, but also in my mind not available. So i haven't really gotten to anything real yet, but i'll get there. The reason this has been on my mind so much is the fact that i'm unsure what to think. Like i said i'm still single, but I completely act like were dating. We are very open with our relationship and talk about a lot of different aspects of what has gone on with us. I have no complaints whatsoever, but at the same time its kinda taking a lot out of me. I have never been in any kind of relationship like this, which is exciting and scary all at once. I'm continuing to be patient and have no intentions on giving up on this, but there are times where i want nothing more than immediate results.

This makes me wonder why i'm so impatient at times. I know that I love this girl, but at the same time I sometimes wonder that i'll have wasted a lot of time if nothing happens with this. I wonder if the things i'm feeling are usual. Do people that are not yet together have the kind of conversations that i'm used to? Do i take things to mean too much, or is what i think i see something thats legit? So many thoughts run through my mind like this. Like i've said i'm happy with everything. I think this might be one of the happiest times in my life, but at the same time i'm often flooded with this doubts.

I think that this feeling of love that I have is something that everyone should be able to experience at some point in their lives. I know full well that there is room for this relationship to grow and to become more than it is now, but the feeling i have now is something i can't even understand. This might seem random and pointless, but it makes sense to me and hopefully its not too scatterbrained.

New Start

2008-02-18T00:24:00.002-05:00

I had used Xanga for a while and dropped off, but decided to get back on this, hopefully more conistantly than last time. also thought i'd go with something a little beyond xanga, so here it is.